For those of us who don’t see eye to eye with our families around news and politics, it can be a panic-inducing moment when the topic comes up around the holiday table (Aunt Sarah cannot start the immigration argument again). There are many guides on how to engage with or diffuse these scenarios, but let’s say Aunt Sarah’s immigration comments aren’t about policy, but rather based on a made up claim propagated by politicians to incite fear. How do you engage in a good faith discussion when it’s based on falsities?
The bad news is that you can’t. It’s nearly impossible to have a healthy debate when you can’t agree on basic facts. Here’s the good news: instead of arguing with Aunt Sarah about immigration, you can — and should — discuss the misinformation she’s spreading.
We know that more than half of U.S. adults get at least some of their news from social media. Not only does misinformation abound on these platforms, research suggests that social media, motivated by likes and shares, rewards the spread of misinformation. From health to culture to politics (particularly with an administration that itself spreads misinformation), the prevalence of social media misinformation makes it that much more likely to creep off our devices and into family conversations.
Some of the kinds of misinformation you hear at your holiday party might seem innocuous (how could a conversation about cars fantastically crashing down an icy hill hurt anyone?), but the more misinformation is repeated, the more people are likely to believe it. And in the case of topics like Aunt Sarah’s, we know that misinformation can lead to real harm. Instead of watching that propagation of untrue claims, calling it out can help people hone their own skills in spotting misinformation, making us all better at figuring what’s real and true.
Beyond that, though, listening to a family discussion based on misinformation can make your head spin. It’s frustrating at best, but probably it’s enough to make you want to scream. So what do you do when you hear a relative say something that’s simply — or even probably — not true? Here are a few ways you can fact check your family without losing your mind.
Give the benefit of the doubt
Many people, especially at a family gathering, aren’t knowingly spreading misinformation. Instead, they’re just repeating something they’ve seen or heard, unwittingly perpetuating a falsehood. Because our relatives typically aren’t malicious actors trying to influence us with propaganda (at least, we hope), we can think of fact checking their misinformation as calling them in, rather than calling them out.
No one wants to be tricked by false or misleading information, and feeling like you have been can be embarrassing. To avoid your relative feeling shamed or backed into a corner (which could lead to a fight), operate from the understanding that spotting misinformation takes skills and practice. You’ve likely fallen for misinformation before — sharing that with your relative can level the playing field and make them feel more comfortable.
Try saying this: “There’s no shame here — misinformation is everywhere and it’s getting more sophisticated.” Then you can share your own experience.
Find the facts
If you hear something that you think or know is fishy, kindly ask your relative where they heard that information. Be genuinely curious — again, your relative likely isn’t intentionally trying to trick you. According to NPR, pointing out a source’s flaws can help people understand why the content or idea they’ve shared might be wrong, which is a more effective route than just telling them it is wrong.
Once you’ve established that the source of your relative’s information is shaky (we’re looking at you, Facebook memes), employ a little lateral reading to help hammer your fact checking home. Tell your relative that you’re going to investigate what might be true or untrue about what they’ve shared by doing a series of searches on trusted sources. You can even show them how you’re doing it by walking through your Googling, saying out loud which sources you’re using to verify the information, why you trust those sources, and what search terms you’re using to get there.
Bringing your relative with you on your fact checking journey can be an exercise in good faith — you’re showing that you’re not automatically discounting their statement, but vetting something that didn’t hold water for you. It’s also instructive, modeling for your relative how to verify claims and use different sources to double check information. Mainly, it’s an effective way to demonstrate that the information they’ve shared is untrue. Research suggests that providing factual alternatives to misinformation is a better debunking strategy than simply saying the information is false.
Try saying this: “Hm, something about that information feels off to me. I’m going to do a search to see what a few different sources say. Can I show you what I find?”
Stay focused
Correcting a family member on a piece of misinformation that’s relatively low stakes (like the AI ice cars) isn’t as daunting as tackling something that might be related to their entire worldview. For example, if you have an anti-vaccine relative who incorrectly states that vaccines cause autism, this can be a harder conversation to navigate because that idea might be connected to a larger set of core beliefs.
It’s still important to fact check these statements, but try to keep your focus narrow and concentrate only on the misinformation shared — not the bigger beliefs it might be tied to. Sarah Nguyễn, a doctoral candidate at the University of Washington Information School, told NPR that it’s important not to try to change someone’s set of beliefs in these conversations. You probably won’t do that, especially not with one discussion, but trying to can undermine your whole purpose. By starting small, Nguyễn says you’re building trust and keeping the door open for future conversations — which could lead to shifting attitudes.
Try saying this: “I know we might disagree about the larger subject, but I think we both agree that we want to get the facts right. I want to focus on this one claim.”
Citing sources
It’s also possible that your relative won’t accept the sources you’ve presented to try to reach the truth. Trust in the media is at an all time low, and there’s been a steep rise in anti-science, anti-establishment beliefs. All that has resulted in a mind-boggling scenario where laypeople trust their own biased and amateur “research” over that of trained experts. This is, of course, frustrating, but try to take a breath before losing your cool. If your relative won’t trust media sources, try a different route. If they won’t trust peer-reviewed research, try asking them why they think their sources are more trustworthy.
You might reach an impasse, in which case it’s absolutely OK to leave. Even if that’s the outcome, you can feel confident in knowing that you modeled best research practices to your relative — something they’ll hopefully reflect on later when they’re alone.
Try saying this: “I feel really confident in this peer-reviewed research. Can you tell me why you feel confident in your source?”
Know when to walk away
You might be worried that correcting a relative could lead to an argument. The good news is that research has found that corrections work, meaning many people are receptive to understanding that a piece of information they’ve seen or shared is incorrect. But, as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
If you’ve followed the steps above but the situation still starts to escalate, you can suggest that you both take some time to think, then discuss the topic privately at a later date. This way, everyone has a chance to calm down and to do a little more research. If you’d rather not pick the conversation back up, you can simply tell your relative that you were just trying to have a discussion with them and walk away.
Conversations like these can be overwhelming, especially when you’re dealing with family. A quick fact checking conversation about a random topic might not stress you out, but a more heavy subject matter or a series of these talks might leave you reeling. In that case, it can be helpful to talk to a trusted friend or family member for a quick debrief. That way, you can stay rooted in the fact of what happened and how you handled yourself, rather than spinning out about how you felt about it. Your feelings are totally valid, but a little reassurance that you stayed grounded during the conversation never hurts.
Try saying this: “I don’t want to argue with you, I just want to discuss facts. I’m not sure we’re getting anywhere, so I’d like some more time to think.”